yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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