you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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