You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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