Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
