Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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