I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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