Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm too high and old for this...
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
