I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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