i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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