peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
