I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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