I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
