Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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