im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I don't deserve a penis
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
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