I think i peed on brittanys purse
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
