im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize