forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
