Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
