The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize