Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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