she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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