he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
