This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
my liver is dry heaving
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
