Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
