forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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