i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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