I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
