You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
