My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize