that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
