I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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