last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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