Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
