Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
