No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize