Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
