Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
