your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
