You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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