Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My life is pants optional.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
