He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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