i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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