mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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