Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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