I just made out with a guy for $7.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
