Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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