A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
