My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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