U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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