if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
