At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
