last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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