Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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