Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
