i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
