Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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