I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
