her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
