I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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