Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
