Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
