My hand turned me down
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Im part way to drunk.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
