I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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