i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I love you. Go after that dick
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