i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
