Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
