The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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