his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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