saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Are we still banned from the library?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
