ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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