I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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