still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
